ALL SPOOKED UP: Cover Reveal!

Coming November 4: 

Adieu, Fran and Ken

 I am sorry to report that SWITCHEROO, the third Fran and Ken Stein mystery novel, to be published on June 3, will be the final book in the series. I think it wraps up the siblings' story pretty well, but it'll be up to you to let me know if I'm right about that.

And I feel compelled, again, to say that no, it WASN'T my decision to end the series. Publishers tend to do that for you, based on sales numbers, which weren't fabulous, and perhaps that does make it my fault, since I didn't write a book that enough of you wanted to buy, but now my head hurts and what good is that going to do anyone?

It's something of an amazement that Fran and Ken ever saw it to a bookstore or a library, anyway. I came up with the idea a good many years ago, toward the end of the Guesthouse era, as a way to extend the paranormal type of storylines that readers had enjoyed. But the publisher did not consider Fran and Ken interesting enough to pursue, and so the concept (I only have a few pages - okay, 50 pages - at the time) sat on my hard drive for a number of years.

But luckily, my agent Josh Getzler absolutely refused to give up on the Steins, and he kept plugging away until Severn House, then in the midst of the Jersey Girl series, decided to take a chance and published UKULELE OF DEATH. Interest was strong enough that we got through two more installments, but the writing (outside of the books) was on the wall, and Severn pulled the plug as SWITCHEROO was in the process of preparation for its publication, which I still hope might spur some of you to pick up a copy and read it. I don't like to brag, but I think these three books are pretty good.

Meanwhile, don't give up on my paranormal mysteries just yet: In ALL SPOOKED UP, the first Haunted Paint Store mystery coming towards the end of 2025, you'll meet Laura Meehan, who took up her father's paint and wallpaper store in a South Jersey town when her dad passed away. She wasn't expecting that he'd still be in the store, offering advice - and some criticism - as she investigates a murder that takes place in her business one night when the store is closed. And that's all I'll tell you about that now.

So yes, it is sad that we're saying goodbye to Fran and Ken. I'll miss them. But Laura, her husband Roy and her dad Amos are just waiting in the wings, and hopefully you'll find them good company.

Tap, Tap... Is This Thing On?

 I've been monitoring the crime fiction section of the publishing industry fairly closely, and I'm rapidly approaching the conclusion that I don't exist. Worse, I believe this perception is of my own doing.

The one part of being an author that most authors will almost unanimously tell you is their least favorite is promotion. It's not that we don't like meeting and talking with readers, librarians and booksellers--we love that! But doing to work of getting our names and our (book) titles out there for others to see, the contacts with bookstores that might want to host an event, with bloggers who might allow a guest post, with radio or (keep dreaming) television programs that could feature an author, that is generally speaking outside our comfort zone, and in my case, anyway, beyond our talents.

People like to tell me how they admire my ability to keep writing novels. It's very nice of them. And in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, "That's the easy part." It's getting those novels into the hands or e-readers of actual people that's the trick, and the thing that keeps publishers offering book contracts, which is how authors actually sustain themselves, except for those who sell gajillions of books and can live on royalties. 

It's not that I'm unwilling to do ANY of the things necessary to promote my work. I'm proud of my work and want it to find an audience. I'll talk about it to anyone, anytime, until someone tells me to stop. But I don't have the creative muscle that suggests interesting ways to promote the books. I'm just bad at that. And believe me, I have tried.

Which brings us to the idea of the book publicist, or the author publicist. 

There are many people and agencies that specialize in such things, and on rare occasions (twice) I have availed myself of them. It can be expensive (although deductible) to hire on the experts, and they will tell you in all honesty that trying to create a buzz with just one book is probably not the most cost-effective way to go. My results have been, let's say, mixed. I'd still recommend either of the people I've worked with, if you have the money and the time to make it work. 

So what does that leave us with? How CAN an author get his/her/their head above water? What steps SHOULD the writer make and what's best to avoid (anyone who contacts you by email and claims to be able to get reviews for you, given just a small fee, should be on that "avoid" list)? Aside from writing a book so brilliant and provocative that it can't be ignored, what's a writer to do?

Those are good questions. If you know the answers, feel free to get in touch. Comments can be seen below.

Meanwhile, GOOD LIEUTENANT, the sixth and (alas) final Jersey Girl Legal Mystery, is now available! Coming in the spring, SWITCHEROO, the third Fran and Ken Stein (read those names again) mystery, will be published by Severn House, and late in 2025, expect the first Paint and Wallpaper paranormal cozy mystery, ALL SHOOK UP, also from Severn House. 

That was my attempt to promote them.

Cover Reveal: GOOD LIEUTENANT, the 6th (and, alas, final) Jersey Girl Legal Mystery

 

Coming in December 2024!

The Oscars are coming... hoorah?

 I have to begin by saying that I love the Academy Awards... until they're on. It's a time to see absolutely everyone involved in the movie business in one room (do they have to leave one star out, like when the president delivers the State of the Union address?) and say snarky things from the comfort of one's couch. In my family, the tradition is that everyone can choose a decadent dessert on that night and try to see how long it will last. Usually we don't make it past Best Supporting Actor.

Each year I attempt - and almost always fail - to see all the films nominated for Best Picture, so I'll know whether I'm thrilled or annoyed when something wins. My family and I also go each year to see the nominated short films, usually both animated and live action. We do not go to a screening of the documentary short films because their idea of "short" and ours do not agree.

The show also always runs far too long, with enormous stretches of boredom in the middle, to the point that they have to rush through the big-ticket awards at the end as if they were afterthoughts.

Nonetheless, I love the show. But this year, I'm less enthusiastic than usual. I've seen seven of the 10 movies nominated for Best Picture, and there is no clear favorite in my mind. I'd be fine with either of two films and largely annoyed if anything else wins, although my level of bile will probably be lower than usual. 

To begin with the short films, this year we saw only the animated shorts in the theater, due to scheduling. (It's harder than it used to be because my daughter lives an hour away and my son lives two hours away.) Of the ones we saw, three were depressing enough to disqualify themselves in my mind. I don't need help being sad. "Our Uniform," the offering from Iran, is the least tearjerking of the bunch, which should tell you something, and my choice would probably be "Ninety-Five Senses," a look at a man awaiting his last meal on death row. Yes. Others were more depressing than that. The one that'll probably win is "Pachyderme" from France, and it's disturbing as hell. Well done? My daughter and I had to explain to my wife, who is a very intelligent woman, why it was disturbing after we left. ("War Is Over" is very simplistic but has the benefit of a John & Yoko song in it, which makes it more watchable than most.) "Letter to a Pig," well, it seemed quite upsetting. I fell asleep in the middle and woke up at the upsetting part, so I'm a little confused.

We saw three of the five live-action shorts, so I can't offer much, but if I was voting, "Knight of Fortune," a Danish very dark comedy (ish) would get the vote. "The After" wins for absolutely the most horrifying but ultimately flat of the bunch.

I've only seen one of the documentary shorts, so I'll pass on commenting. 

As for the feature films nominated for Best:

1. Oppenheimer: The one that will win going away. The most celebrated, hyped, praised and talked-about of the lot. I found it irritating and generally dull, a three-hour movie that should have been two hours at the most, about a guy who's unknowable doing things that are hard to understand and having no thoughts about the consequences of his work until it's far too late. With a musical score that often drowns out the mumbled dialogue and NEVER stops playing. I'm not a member of the Nolan cult, so I'm not enthusiastic about all the Oscars it will undoubtedly get.

2. Killers of the Flower Moon: So you thought "Oppenheimer" was long? Martin Scorsese has made a movie in which nobody ever says anything once, there are plenty of people shot in the head and yes, it has a legitimate point to make, which it rams into the ground over and over again. Were the Osage people treated horribly, murdered and ignored about the murders? They were indeed. Did the movie need to be three-and-a-half-hours long? No. Yeah, it looks great, but it's repetitive and its characters are all either remarkably evil or remarkably stupid and sometimes both.

3. Barbie: It's a very nice, cute little movie with a little bit to say about how women are treated in society. It's not the Barbie movie you would expect, and give Greta Gerwig (who wasn't nominated for directing, thus making the movie's point for it) credit for that. Is it the best picture of the year? Depends on your point of view. I found it enjoyable with a second half that drags some.

4. American Fiction: If I'm being honest, probably my choice for Best Picture. A Black author deals with the expectations the publishing business has for him and with his family, which I'm sure you'll be shocked is dysfunctional. It's well-written, beautifully acted and it knows when to quit, which many of the others do not. It's even funny.

5. The Holdovers: My second choice. Paul Giamatti, Da'Vine Joy Randolph and Dominic Sessa deliver masterful performances in the story of a cranky boarding school teacher, the only student whose parents don't come for him at Christmas break, and the woman in charge of the kitchen at the school. Touching, sometimes funny, and well told. I wouldn't be sorry if it won, which it won't.

6. Past Lives: Clearly I missed something. This story of two Korean people who have a flirtation as children and then separate when the girl moves to America with her family has been praised to the heavens but I found it dull, and the characters bland and unlikable. It's obviously my fault and not the film's, but I didn't care whether they got back together or not. People have been known to weep at the end. I didn't.

7. Anatomy of a Fall: A German woman in Switzerland is accused of murdering her husband by pushing him off a balcony. I get that the movie wants not to be obvious about her guilt or innocence and that the people are meant to be real and not "good" or "bad," but it left me cold. Well constructed but in my case, anyway, unaffecting. 

The other three - Maestro, Poor Things and The Zone of Interest - I have not seen and don't intend to. So maybe they're amazing. You'll have to find out for yourself. (In fact, you should find out for yourself no matter what I said above; how do I know our tastes are similar?)

So I think it'll be a pretty dull show. But maybe the desserts will be good.

Why I Write the Books I Write

 Truly, the reason I write what I write is the same reason most writers do what they do: Nobody else is writing the book I want to read. So I'll fill the gap myself.

I'll tell you what I DON'T want to read: 

* Anything that will make me sad;

* Anything that will turn my stomach with unnecessarily detailed violence;

* Anything so cozy that if you're not wrapped in a shawl and drinking tea you might as well not bother; 

*Anything that assumes a person who works at the flower shop, the craft store, the bakery or the local cheese shop is better at solving crimes than detectives;

* Anything that centers on a sleuth so cynical and damaged he (inevitably) should be under psychiatric care;

* Anything "shattering," "gut-wrenching," "devastating" or "deeply disturbing." I'm not looking for that.

This is not to say that YOU shouldn't want to read any of those books. If that fulfills your needs, you should run toward it. It's just not going to make it for me. Life is short, and I don't have that kind of time.

So I write books that I think have interesting characters but add a decent amount of laughs. I write plots that might not hold water all the time, but should keep you turning pages. I think about how to show new sides of my characters perhaps more than what the most innovative way to dispatch some non-entity to get the plot going might be. 

I like to laugh. I like to follow interesting, nuanced characters. I hope to write a mystery that's as good as TED LASSO. I'd also like to read such a book (doesn't have to be a mystery).

If you know of something I'd probably enjoy reading, please don't hold back. I'd genuinely like to know.

Cover Reveal: Fran & Ken Stein #2!

Coming in May, 2024!

 

Cover Reveal: MY COUSIN SKINNY, the Fifth Jersey Girl Legal Mystery!

 

No. There aren't going to be more Haunted Guesthouse books.

Readers ask questions, and that's great. There's nothing writers love quite so much as talking about themselves and their work. 

But I do cringe just a little when I get the most frequent question from a reader, and it's because I don't have an answer that's going to make them happy. They want to know if there will be more books in the Haunted Guesthouse mystery series, and I have to tell them no.

I hate that.

Authors most often don't decide when to end a series. I have never voluntarily ended a series since I finished the Aaron Tucker books in 2005. And that wasn't so much because I wanted the series to end as that I had a better deal with another publisher. 

So no, it's not my choice that the most popular of my book series will not continue. Believe me, we tried, to the point of actually selling the last two Guesthouse books to a new publisher when the first one decided not to ask for any more. Then those two books didn't supply the kind of sales numbers the new publisher required, and well, you're not going to move a series more than once, if you manage it that many times. (Still, you might get another quick glimpse of Alison and the gang, not in a new book, and when I know for sure I'll be certain to pass the news along.)

Alison Kerby and her nutty group of confederates will have to satisfy themselves with ten novels and two novellas (only on audiobook). And you and I will have to do the same, I'm afraid.

The same is true of Duffy Madison and Kay Powell, who inhabited the Mysterious Detective and Agent to the Paws series, respectively. Each of them got two novels and that was it. This is the reality of the publishing business. If enough people buy the books, there are more and if not... well, I can only assume I didn't do as good a job as I should have.

That's the way it goes. 

(And if you're one of the people wondering whether the next Mysterious Detective book would have solved the mystery of Duffy Madison, I can tell you with no hesitation that it would not, because I never decided whether he was real or not.)

But.

Within a month (specifically, by November 1, when AND JUSTICE FOR MALL hits bookstores and libraries) there will be four Jersey Girl Legal mysteries in print, and the fifth will be available in 2023. Also next year will come UKULELE OF DEATH, the first in what we all hope will be a series about Fran and Ken Stein, and if you want to know about them, read their names together and you might get an idea. More on that after New Year's.

So let's not dwell on the past. The Guesthouse books and all the others still exist. You can read them whenever you like. And I'm not finished writing yet, so hopefully there will be more on the horizon. And if we run into each other somewhere along the line and you feel compelled to ask, I'll be happy to answer you question.

But I'm afraid the answer will not have changed. 

Why You Won't See Guns on My Books Anymore

 Just to be clear: The following does NOT apply to the next Jersey Girl Legal Mystery, AND JUSTICE FOR MALL, which will be published this fall with a cover that was approved early this year. 

Earlier this month I sent an email to the wonderful Rachel Slatter, my editor at Severn House, asking about upcoming covers on (at least) two books the company will publish from me in 2023. One will be the fifth Jersey Girl book, and the other... that's a subject for an upcoming post. And we'll see after that.

After having given it considerable thought, I asked Rachel if we could keep the image of any guns off the covers of my books from this point on. Part of this came from my noticing the handgun on the spine (!) of WITNESS FOR THE PERSECUTION, the most recent Jersey Girl book. And my realizing that until now I hadn't even registered that it was there. That was how ubiquitous that image had become.

I don't intend to turn this post into a political statement, but it is necessary to understand that I am an advocate of much stricter gun laws that the US has at this moment, even with the tweaks that passed through the Senate recently. I thought things would change after tiny children were shot down randomly at Sandy Hook, but that was 10 years ago and the situation, if you've been paying attention at all, has simply gotten worse.

This post is not meant to change anyone's mind on what the Second Amendment does or does not guarantee, or on what should be done about a country of 330-million people with 393.3-million guns. That's your own business and each of us reacts the way we see fit. This is how I did it.

I worry that, writing crime fiction, I have allowed myself to fall back on firearms as an easy way to get the story moving and to get my characters into danger. The antagonist pulls a gun and the stakes are raised. Easy. 

It shouldn't be that easy. I should have to work harder.

Now, I'm not promising that you'll never see a firearm show up as a plot point in one of my books again. To some extent, removing them entirely would be unrealistic in the society where these novels take place. I will try to limit any discussion of guns to a minimum and try harder when getting my characters into trouble. That's on me.

But I do worry about glamorizing guns, and to some extent about taking their danger away. Readers just accept that a bad guy - and quite a few good guys - will have a gun. A lot of crime fiction writers go to great lengths to research those firearms and make sure they're being used (and described, often in great detail) correctly. I tend not to be quite so precise, partially because I am not an expert on the subject but also because I don't want to be. 

Normalizing the use of firearms has gotten us to this point. I don't blame popular culture for mass shootings in schools but I think the mindset of a person who might consider such an act is influenced to at least a small degree by the fantasies put up on movie theater screens, television and, yes, in the pages of books.

I prefer not to have that image be the face of my work. And the good people at Severn have indulged me on that point.

Again, I can't promise that I won't ever fall back on the device, but I will try to minimize it. And the first step is taking it off the cover.

I don't think it will solve a thing, but it's what I can do, so I'm doing it. 

Coming November 1 (I'm pretty sure)!

 

Sandy Moss is back, with a client who won't leave her alone! Eleven-year-old Riley wants Sandy to get her father out of jail. But her dad is already convicted--of murdering Riley's mom. And he swears he's guilty.

Late Cover Reveal (Now on sale in the UK!)

 Coming in the US April 5!

But is it Art?

 A good friend of mine who is correct in categorizing herself as a music artist often refers to me in the same terms (except "musical"). And I, for psychological reasons it would take months in therapy to resolve, always feel compelled to contradict her. I am not an artist.

Am I?

This is not a plea for misguided compliments, I assure you. I'll let you know when I need those. It's more an exploration of what it means to be an artist. And no matter how I define it, I pretty much come down on the answer that no, I am not. One. 

Defining art is an intellectual parlor game that's been going on since before the invention of parlors. Every person has his/her/their own definition, and they're all right. Because your personality is your filter and everything you think goes through it. If you think something is art, it is. For you.

Some people think Jerry Lewis created art. Or Tiny Tim. Or Mariano Rivera. And they're all correct. Those people looked at that work and it moved them in some way that convinced them they had seen a form of art. Go argue with them; I dare you. They'll win every time because the whole process and the whole definition is subjective. There is no formula that can definitively classify something as Art or not.

Which brings me to the silly mystery books I write. And I'm using the word "silly" here as a positive term. I like things that are silly. Monty Python was silly. Mel Brooks is silly. For that matter, Mark Twain could be silly, as could Leonardo da Vinci, the Beatles and Abraham Lincoln.

Silly is simply something that tries (and in the best cases succeeds) to find the funny side of something, whether it be an embarrassing situation, a pretentious turn of phrase or, yes, a tragedy. There's nothing that can't be silly if it's approached from the proper angle. So when I say my books are silly I'm defining their intention rather than their success in achieving that goal. That is left up to each reader to decide.

I don't trace my literary roots (and if that's not a pretentious turn of phrase dying for some silliness I don't know what is) to great art. My influences were not Ovid, Socrates, Homer, Shakespeare or even Agatha Christie. I tended to look for inspiration in places like Saturday morning cartoons (Bugs Bunny and Bullwinkle especially), the Marx Brothers (my personal religion), the work of Caesar's writers (Larry Gelbart, Mel Brooks, Neil Simon and Carl Reiner among them), Alfred Hitchcock (particularly North By Northwest, among his silliest movies), George Carlin and Gene Wilder. 

And while I consider many of those people (and scores of others I didn't mention) to be artists because that was their intention, they are all undeniably entertainers first, and that is the category into which I humbly suggest I belong.

I am not an artist. I am an entertainer. And proud to be one. 

I've always loved a good story (and even some bad ones) if it's told with some style. And the idea of entertainment (books, stories, films, TV, theater, music, a bracing oration) without ANY sense of humor is anathema to me. Casablanca isn't a comedy, but it's one of the wittiest movies you're going to find anywhere and possibly the best example of a studio film ever. Silly? No. Sense of humor? You can't go five minutes in that movie without a great line. Try to watch it and not laugh. ("I'm shocked - shocked - to find that gambling is going on in here!" "Your winnings, sir." "Oh, thank you very much.")

So I bow to my friend the musical artist, because she is that. It is her intention and she's really good at it. My intention is to entertain, and that's (without saying whether I think I succeed) a noble calling. Not everyone can do it. Those who do it well are among my favorite people.

Of course, your opinion is your own. I will not argue with it.

23 Things We Have Called Our Dog (Affectionately)

Gizmo (because that's his name)

Gizmo T. Dog (the T stands for The)

Mr. G.T. Dog

Mr. Mo

Gizmaniac

Gizmonster

Abysmo

Gizmonic Plague

The Gizster

Gizmania

Gizmopolis

Hairbag

Herr Bag

The Amazing El Doggo

The Canine Commando

His Honor The Dog

The Dog

That

Gizaster

The Master of Gizaster

Master of All He Surveys

Hey, Beagle

Gizzie (Just the vet calls him that)

A Short Oscar Respite

 I'm a fan of the Academy Awards; I'll admit it. I place absolutely no value in the films that win such things but I love the spectacle of the ceremony and I'm glad it's being done in some version of "in-person" this year. We can all use the break.

So today I'm not writing about my books, which I'm sure will come as a relief to anyone who's ever clicked on this blog before. I also won't bore you with yet another prediction of what's going to win the award for best picture (Nomadland) or any of the acting awards. They seem especially predictable this year anyway.

As I often do, I'll concentrate on a little-attended-to category, the best short films. (As a quick caveat, I am not including the short documentaries because my family and I did not watch those. Our experience has been that they are not so short.) I do this as a public service because the vast majority of people will head into Sunday night's telecast of the Oscars without having seen any of the nominated short films.

You're welcome.

In the spirit of shortness (and being short myself I appreciate the quality), I'll give a brief description of each of the nominated live action and animated shorts, reveal my own personal bias for a winner and then predict which I think will take home the prize. 

Live Action Short Films   

The Present: A Palestinian man and his young daughter have to endure the checkpoint and racism of Israeli soldiers to buy his wife a special anniversary present, and there's no certainty either of them will make it back alive.

Two Distant Strangers: A topical, funny, harrowing version of Groundhog Day in which a young Black man wakes up in a woman's apartment and in attempt after attempt to get home and feed his dog is confronted and killed by a racist white police officer. 

Feeling Through: A young man trying to find a place to crash for the night is interrupted by an encounter with an older blind man and has to decide whether to jeopardize a roof over his head to help a stranger.

White Eye: An Israeli film about a man who finds the bicycle that was stolen from him and finds that trying to get it back could put another man's freedom at risk.

The Letter Room: A corrections officer (Oscar Isaac) is assigned to a desk job where he reads, censors and distributes letters to the inmates. He becomes involved in two of the prisoners' lives and tries to help.

If I were voting, I'd hope Two Distant Strangers would take the prize, if not just for its topicality than for its tone and inventiveness. Best guess for what will actually win: The Letter Room. 

Animated Short Film  

Burrow: The inevitable Pixar short, about a rabbit trying to find a place for a more comfortable burrow and being mortified by intruding on various neighbors.

If Anything Happens I Love You: Parents try to cope with an unspeakable tragedy.

Opera: A "one-take" metaphorical film about human society in general which really needs a big screen to do it justice.

Yes People: A group of people living in an apartment building go through a day facing various difficulties and in some cases being silly.

Genius Loci: Maybe the most French film ever made. A woman, possibly with some type of mental illness, experiences the whole of urban life around her in strange, metaphorical ways. Lots of smoking. 

To be frank, Burrow might be the most adorable thing I've ever seen and I would vote for it. Best guess to win: If Anything Happens I Love You because it is infinitely more depressing and the Academy loves that.

I promise not to edit this post after Sunday night. It's entirely possible I'm wrong. 

The Wait Is Over!

 That assumes, of course, that you've been waiting. I know I'VE been waiting, but that's another discussion entirely. 

In any event, the fact is that INHERIT THE SHOES, the first Jersey Girl Legal Mystery (and yes, there will be more) is now available no matter where you live, assuming they speak English there. And I'm pleased to say that those who have read it seem to like it pretty well. I'm proud of it but then I like all my books or I wouldn't have written them, so there's that.

INHERIT THE SHOES tells the story of Sandy Moss, a New Jersey assistant county prosecutor (we don't have District Attorneys here) who decides she's had enough of the putting-people-in-jail thing and decides to move to Los Angeles, where a tony law firm that specializes in family law (mostly divorces) has offered her a job. 

On her first case, a divorce between an actor who plays a lawyer on TV - and wants to study Sandy to gather "authenticity" - and a singer whose star has dimmed a bit, Sandy almost torpedoes her brand new career by speaking up when her boss has told her to... not do that. 

But it's not long before her previous experience is being called into play, because her client (the actor) is accused of murdering his soon-to-be-ex-wife - with a bow and arrow from the John Wayne classic The Searchers. 

And that's all I'm going to tell you about the plot. 

The book includes characters you're going to like (I promise) and has lots of action and a good number of laughs. Possibly a little romance is sprinkled in there, but I'm not saying.

You can read the reviews here and find out where to buy a copy here, but I think you'll enjoy INHERIT THE SHOES if you've liked any of my previous books. But then, I might be just a little biased. 

26 Is Not Enough

 Because it's an election season (and that's because it's ALWAYS an election season), my thoughts have turned to that particularly perfect (I know "perfect" is an absolute but Jefferson said "more perfect" so take it up with him) document, the Constitution of the United States. This is a document so close to perfect, grammar fans, that it has been amended a mere 26 times in the past 232 years, a decent record if you consider that this year alone Major League Baseball has instituted the 16-team playoff schedule, the seven-inning doubleheader and the runner-on-second extra-inning system, all of which are stupid.

Nonetheless, I've been giving the Constitution some thought. It's been 49 years since the ratification of the 26th Amendment, which gave 18, 19 and 20-year olds the right to vote in federal elections. If you average out 26 amendments over 232 years, that comes to an amendment every 8.9 years, so we are falling way behind in our amending.

Therefore, I respectfully propose the following amendments to the U.S. Constitution:

27. An amendment outlawing the 16-team playoff schedule, the seven-inning doubleheader and the runner-on-second extra-inning system. If necessary, this would be expanded to robo-umpires and a pitch clock. 

28. An amendment stipulating Tom Hanks to be the best person we have. When other countries need to talk to someone, Tom should get the call.

29. An amendment outlawing any product whose name includes the words "pumpkin spice."

30 An amendment limiting the amount of snow in New Jersey to three inches a year. The rest of you are on your own.

31. An amendment declaring dogs better than cats.

32. An amendment mandating that every citizen over the age of 18 MUST vote in every election available to them. Those who don't will be subject to an IRS audit and public shaming. 

33. An amendment setting the minimum annual income for freelance writers to be $100,000. The minimum salary for a Major League baseball player is currently $563,500.

34. An amendment mandating the death penalty for anyone caught making or creating a robot that will make "an apology call from your utility company." Let's see if it's REALLY a deterrent.

35. An amendment making it illegal to insist that everyone stand for an Irving Berlin song (or a Neil Diamond song) at the seventh-inning stretch. The amendment would further require the playing and singing of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," but you can sit or stand at your own discretion.

36. An amendment outlawing the display of Christmas items in stores before November 1. It's August. Calm down.

37. An amendment stipulating that only one superhero movie can be made each year. It's the same story anyway. Just space them out better. 

That should do it for now. If you have amendment suggestions, feel free to post them below. But if they are actual politically motivated ones, I urge you NOT to post them and will delete them when they appear. That's not what this space is for. 

Get a (sort of) FREE MASK from E.J. Copperman!

So this whole pandemic thing has you down? (Of course it does; you're sane!) You're wearing the mask outside - as you should - but you're not happy with the styles available to you? Want something with a little more pizzaz? A little more levity?

Well, I'm here to help.

Get yourself a reusable mask featuring the cover of INHERIT THE SHOES: The first Jersey Girl Legal Mystery by E.J. Copperman!

It's a comfortable (for anyone without an unusually large head), washable, breathable mask and you can have one for FREE - with a catch.

We only have a handful of these masks, so if you'd like one, first preorder INHERIT THE SHOES (links below). Then email ejcopperman [at] gmail [dot] com with a photo or scan of your receipt and your USPS mail address, and the mask will be on its way ASAP!

Get in early because like I said, there are only a few masks available. Maybe we can get some more made if demand outnumbers supply, but no promises are being made. If you want a mask, preorder that book NOW!

INHERIT THE SHOES focuses on Sandy Moss, a New Jersey assistant prosecutor who moves to Los Angeles to escape criminal law. But the gods are not willing to let Sandy quit, and her first family law case - a divorce between a famous TV actor and a fading singer - turns into a murder trial when her client Patrick McNabb is accused of killing his estranged wife. With a bow and arrow.

Here are links to preorder INHERIT THE SHOES:

Amazon
Waterstones
Books A Million
Blackwell's
Barnes & Noble
Bookshop
Indiebound
and at your local bookshop!

Coming THIS SATURDAY, MAY 9!

If you're bummed out because you couldn't go to Malice Domestic this year (as I am, largely because there was no Malice Domestic this year, damn virus), hang on! This Saturday, May 9 at 4 p.m. EDT (do the math for where you live) a group of authors will take the best part of a conference - the stories told in the bar after a panel - online!

ABSENCE OF MALICE will bring 17 of your favorite crime fiction writers (including, modestly, yours truly) into your living room, your bedroom, whatever room you like and have a device attached to wifi and you'll get the GOOD stories.

And what an All-Star lineup!:

Cathy Ace 
Frankie Y. Bailey
Ellen Byron
Jeff Cohen / E.j. Copperman
Kellye Garrett
Lee Goldberg
Alexia Gordon
Dru Ann Love
Jeffrey Marks
Edith M. Maxwell / Maddie Day
Catriona McPherson
Lori Rader-Day 
Hank Phillippi Ryan
Julia Spencer-Fleming
Art Taylor
Elaine Viets 
Kristopher Zgorski

It'll be happening on Crowdcast, Facebook, or YouTube. It's free, of course, and if you can't make it at 4 p.m. on Saturday, it'll be available to view shortly thereafter.

 ABSENCE OF MALICE is going to be a ton of fun! You don't want to miss it!

Letters from Deepest New Jersey

So, what's new?

Okay, we're all hunkered down in our homes right now and for those unaccustomed to such things this might be a considerable shock to the system. The same (fill in number) walls, the same people (or lack thereof), the same activity no matter what day of the week it might be. Some of you might be working at home for the first time. Others might not be working at all.

You can only stress bake so much and Doordash is nice to keep local restaurants viable, but you can't do it every day. Grocery delivery services are booking up weeks in advance. And the worst part, except for those who are infected or know someone who is and might be in some danger, is that we have no idea how long this is all going to last.

Well, settle in, kids. I've been doing this work-at-home thing since 1985 and I can tell you a few things about it.

First: You're going to gain weight. I was pretty slim when I started freelancing from my apartment in Wallington, New Jersey 35 years ago. Of course, I was also 28 years old and had a metabolism, but that's not the point. The lack of moving around definitely contributed to making me the person I am today, who is roughly 40 pounds heavier and not happy about it.

So find yourself an online workout (or 1300) that fits your needs and set aside some time every day to do it. Really. I have been working out with Coach Kozak and Claudia at HasFit since December and have now started to sprinkle in some sessions with the good British people at the Body Project. Those work for me. My spouse has been doing yoga and fitness walking found online. In the interest of full disclosure, I haven't noticed a significant weight loss but I haven't gained anything despite eating like a moose since the stay-at-home order was issued here a little under a month ago.

Second: Don't turn on the TV during the day. It's a vortex from which you might never emerge, and let's face it, nothing good ever happened on daytime TV. If you're working, try to keep your schedule from back when the world was pretending to be normal. If you're not, read books (I can suggest some titles if you like). Cook meals for later in the week. Troll grocery delivery sites until a slot opens up. Listen to music.

Third: The one thing that this crisis has produced is a tsunami of streaming entertainment. Some services are offering free performances and screenings of recorded shows. Artists are performing from their homes because going on the road (in many cases the main source of revenue for musicians) is not possible. You can "tip" if you like but you often don't have to. I have been checking in for a Sunday double feature every week: Circe Link and Christian Nesmith on Facebook (at Christian's page) at 6 p.m. EDT and then quickly switching to Susan Werner at 7 p.m. EDT, also on Facebook. There are many, many others. If you have a favorite I'd like to hear about it.

Fourth: If you're working, work every day. Okay, take weekends off like always, but don't just slough off a day because you're not into it. Keep doing as much of your daily routine as you can from your house. I've been writing a book that I probably didn't have to start for another two months because I want to keep the 1000-word-a-day habit alive. It's too easy to let one slip turn into an indefinite slide. Don't do that.

Fifth: Hobbies. Aside from my newest obsession, which is washing my hands, I've taken up the most cliched time consumer of them all, jigsaw puzzles. Given that I already have a pretty serious crossword puzzle habit, that's a lot of puzzles. It occupies the mind and distracts from the grimmer aspects of reality for a time. Which is what baseball used to do for me. Here's hoping that'll return at some point (my guess is July).

Sixth: It's good that social media had been up and thriving before this pandemic hit. Staying in touch with friends and family would have been torture without it and we'd be feeling even more isolated. So keep up with your loved ones and check in with ol' E.J. once in a while because I like to hear from people, too. (And how did Zoom become the go-to networking tool? What happened to Skype?)

More than anything, do all you can to stay safe. Wash those hands, and then wash them again. Wash anything that is brought to your house. Use wipes (if you have them) or some sort of cleaning product on common areas (doorknobs, light switches, a computer mouse, keyboard and cell phone) every day. Stay six feet away from all people who don't live in the same house as you.

And hang in there. I can't afford to lose any readers.

E.J.