Because it's an election season (and that's because it's ALWAYS an election season), my thoughts have turned to that particularly perfect (I know "perfect" is an absolute but Jefferson said "more perfect" so take it up with him) document, the Constitution of the United States. This is a document so close to perfect, grammar fans, that it has been amended a mere 26 times in the past 232 years, a decent record if you consider that this year alone Major League Baseball has instituted the 16-team playoff schedule, the seven-inning doubleheader and the runner-on-second extra-inning system, all of which are stupid.
Nonetheless, I've been giving the Constitution some thought. It's been 49 years since the ratification of the 26th Amendment, which gave 18, 19 and 20-year olds the right to vote in federal elections. If you average out 26 amendments over 232 years, that comes to an amendment every 8.9 years, so we are falling way behind in our amending.
Therefore, I respectfully propose the following amendments to the U.S. Constitution:
27. An amendment outlawing the 16-team playoff schedule, the seven-inning doubleheader and the runner-on-second extra-inning system. If necessary, this would be expanded to robo-umpires and a pitch clock.
28. An amendment stipulating Tom Hanks to be the best person we have. When other countries need to talk to someone, Tom should get the call.
29. An amendment outlawing any product whose name includes the words "pumpkin spice."
30 An amendment limiting the amount of snow in New Jersey to three inches a year. The rest of you are on your own.
31. An amendment declaring dogs better than cats.
32. An amendment mandating that every citizen over the age of 18 MUST vote in every election available to them. Those who don't will be subject to an IRS audit and public shaming.
33. An amendment setting the minimum annual income for freelance writers to be $100,000. The minimum salary for a Major League baseball player is currently $563,500.
34. An amendment mandating the death penalty for anyone caught making or creating a robot that will make "an apology call from your utility company." Let's see if it's REALLY a deterrent.
35. An amendment making it illegal to insist that everyone stand for an Irving Berlin song (or a Neil Diamond song) at the seventh-inning stretch. The amendment would further require the playing and singing of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," but you can sit or stand at your own discretion.
36. An amendment outlawing the display of Christmas items in stores before November 1. It's August. Calm down.
37. An amendment stipulating that only one superhero movie can be made each year. It's the same story anyway. Just space them out better.
That should do it for now. If you have amendment suggestions, feel free to post them below. But if they are actual politically motivated ones, I urge you NOT to post them and will delete them when they appear. That's not what this space is for.